Stay awake for me.

Today my sister Ashley made us a count down calendar.  It's a very nicely decorated calender that counts down the days until Benzen can go home.  It is very awesome, but it put things into perspective.  5.5 weeks is a long time.  The nurses told us that when we feel Benzen is up to it we can bring a bouncer, swing, or a blanket to play with him on the floor.  I think he will love him some "belly time" on the blanket.  This is good news because we were worried he would only be able to just be held or lay in his crib.  Its hard because of his PICC line, O2 sensor, and vital monitors.  As you can see Beyla is in love with him.  I picked her up tonight, got her all buckled in her seat, and she looked over at Benzen's empty seat and said "Benzen sit here!"  Teary eyed I told her "soon enough."  We got home and Facetimed Amy and when Amy was showing Beyla and I Benzen she could not stop kissing my phone screen.
Benzen is doing well again today.  His bilirubin went up a little to 13 from 8, so they are going to monitor that again.  Our interim pastor from Faith Lutheran came to visit tonight.  She was very nice.  As you can see from these blog updates, I think I talked too much.  I don't know if she got to cover what she wanted to because I wouldn't shut up.  We told her more about Remi, R Angel, and some of our plans for Benzen.  I was trying to explain to her where my head was at, without her thinking I was a weirdo.  I was trying to explain that I was very tempted to stop believing, but I just couldn't.  Who would I talk to, be mad at, or be happy with especially when I am alone?  Who was going to protect me, my family, my friends?  Right now, I can feel people saying "but Ben, he let your little girl die so young, he made Amy have a miscarriage, he gave Benzen CMV which is going to prevent him from having a normal life.  Well Remington is one of the best things that ever happened to me and a lot of people, without the miscarriage we would not have Beyla, and Benzen is and will continue to be another one of the best things that ever will happen to me.  He already is an amazing little man!  She said a very nice prayer for him before she left. 
The song for this update is by Secondhand Serenade called Awake.  This was Amy and I's wedding song Sept 2, 2007.  This was the day we told each other that we would stay by each others side through sickness and health, for rich or poor, the good times and the bad.  This song to us is never wanting to be apart from one an other.  We vowed to each to do as much as we could together, never go to bed mad, and always be there for each other.  Now you can see why this experience is extra sensitive.  I am here at home taking care of our daughter and she is at the hospital taking care of our son.  It's hard to be apart.  Every line in this song holds true from me to Amy and I know they hold true from Amy to me.  If you see my Godson Hudson around ask him to sing this song for you. 
Thank you for the continued love and support.  I hear, read, and feel it all.  I am trying to respond as fast as I can to FB messages, txts, calls, and comments.  I love them all, they really help keep me going!
Good night,
Ben

Lyrics to Awake :

With every appearance by you, blinding my eyes,
I can hardly remember the last time I felt like I do.
You're an angel disguised.

And you're lying real still,
but your heart beat is fast just like mine.
And the movie's long over,
that's three that have passed, one more's fine.

Will you stay awake for me?
I don't wanna miss anything
I don't wanna miss anything
I will share the air I breathe,
I'll give you my heart on a string,
I just don't wanna miss anything.

I'm trying real hard not to shake. I'm biting my tongue,
but I'm feeling alive and with every breathe that I take,
I feel like I've won. You're my key to survival.

And if it's a hero you want,
I can save you. Just stay here.
Your whispers are priceless.
Your breathe, it is dear. So please stay near.

Will you stay awake for me?
I don't wanna miss anything
I don't wanna miss anything
I will share the air I breathe,
I'll give you my heart on a string,
I just don't wanna miss anything.

Say my name. I just want to hear you.
Say my name. So I know it's true.
You're changing me. You're changing me.
You showed me how to live.
So just say. So just say,

That you'll stay awake for me.
I don't wanna miss anything.
I don't wanna miss anything.
I will share the air I breathe,
I'll give you my heart on a string,
I just don't wanna miss anything